Despite the documented neurological, physiological, psychological, and social benefits of self-compassion, for most of us, our critical mind continues to prevail. Self-critical thoughts originate from childhood and caregiver experiences, but are maintained and perpetuated by society. Many continue to hold the false belief that self-critical thoughts are needed to stay humble, driven, and productive. Despite research showing otherwise, self-compassion remains minimally practiced or celebrated.
Myth 1: All self-critical thoughts are bad
While excessive self-criticism is linked to negative physical and mental health outcomes, not all self-critical thought patterns are bad. Cognitive scientists have identified a type of self-critical thought that can be productive and lead to change. “Constructive self-criticism” is defined as a process of acknowledging a shortcoming and looking for opportunities to address it. For a self-critical thought to be constructive it needs to be about a specific, modifiable behavior. When self-critical thoughts are structured in this way, they can be productively leveraged to guide our behavior and encourage positive change. However, most of us do not engage in constructive self-criticism. We tend to make global assessments of ourselves or unmodifiable aspects of our lives.
Myth 2: Self-critical thoughts keep me motivated
While having a constructive critical mind can serve a role in our life, more often than not, our self-critical thoughts can quickly go from constructive to destructive.
Intuitively, most of us are able to see the benefit of compassionate self-talk when it is applied to how we speak to a child. Think of the language we use with children when they are first learning to walk. A child likely falls thousands of times and each time an onlooking adult naturally offers words of encouragement to help the child back up. Imagine telling the child that they are a failure each time they fall. Most of us cringe at that thought, yet when we metaphorically fall, we struggle to see the benefit of offering ourselves similar words of encouragement or compassion.
We can think of our brain like a sound system and our thoughts like various soundtracks. Self-critical thoughts are one soundtrack, but for many of us, the volume of our self-critical soundtrack is turned up so loudly that it becomes all encompassing.
While many use anecdotal evidence to support the belief that self-compassion can thwart ambition, research has found otherwise. One study found that athletes who practice self-compassion instead of self-criticism have higher confidence, higher stamina, and more willingness to view practice as an opportunity for self-improvement.
Myth 3: Self-critical thoughts are from negative parents
While self-critical thoughts often initiate in childhood due to unfavorable parenting practices, it’s important to recognize how our self-critical thoughts are nurtured throughout life.
High performers, athletes, and other individuals in power are often fearful of extending self-compassion towards themselves due to concern that it will extinguish their drive. Many environments adopt a “tough love” approach despite findings that criticism breeds self-doubt and diminished motivation. External criticism can exacerbate our own inner critic. Women have increased susceptibility to negative feedback as they tend to be more self-critical than men on average. Increased awareness of how an environment continues to nurture our inner critic can improve your ability to counteract the negative impact.
Myth 4: I have to eliminate all my self-critical thoughts
While your intuition may lead you to think that we need to get rid of your critical mind altogether, demonizing our critical mind is actually the opposite of practicing self-compassion.
Extending compassion towards our critical mind helps temper the impact of our critical thoughts. Our critical mind and compassionate mind are constantly broadcasting messages to us. Instead of trying to turn the self-critical soundtrack off, we will focus on turning up the volume of our compassionate soundtrack.
There are three core elements that can turn our self-compassion soundtrack up: mindfulness, self-kindness, and common humanity. Mindfulness refers to simply being aware of a thought you are having without judging it. Self-kindness refers to treating yourself like you would a friend who was having a hard time, and common humanity is the acknowledgement that you are not alone in your struggles. These three components allow us to develop more awareness of our self-criticism so that we can respond in a new way.
One approach to increasing your awareness of your inner critic is to befriend your critical mind by actively changing the way we engage with self-critical thoughts. Instead of trying to eliminate them or ignore them, lean into your self-critical thoughts by acknowledging their purpose and “thanking” them. Often, the “goal” of the self-critical thought is to direct your attention towards something that needs changing. Thanking the thought acknowledges whatever your mind feels needs attention but de-emphasizes the negative impact of the critical thought. Next, respond to your critical mind like you would respond to a friend. Often it’s easier to express compassion to a loved one than it is to ourselves. This will press “play” on the self-compassion soundtrack in your brain.
It’s important to recognize that self-critical thoughts can remind you of the things you value. For example, if you are criticizing your work performance, it’s likely because work is something that is important to you; or if you are critical of your role as a partner, your relationship is likely something you value. The things we criticize provide insight and remind ourselves of the things we value.
By thanking your critical mind and responding compassionately, you free up cognitive resources to critically think, plan, and organize. In essence, playing your compassionate mind soundtrack can not only improve your overall well-being, but also can arguably help you better address that of which you are being critical.
Myth 5: Self-compassion is letting yourself off the hook
Self-compassion can be mistaken for letting yourself off the hook. However, practicing self-compassion actually enables us to acknowledge our failures or feelings of inadequacy and allows us to consider alternative ways of behaving. Since self-compassion involves mindfulness, the first step is non-judgmentally acknowledging instead of straying away from a thought. The component of common humanity reminds us that there is no human that is without flaw, and reminding ourselves of our shared experience allows us to feel safer admitting the truth. You may avoid admitting a mistake to someone who you believe will react poorly. The same theory applies to ourselves — when we know we will be flooded with self-criticism, we are reluctant to discuss our own shortcomings. Research with undergraduates showed that self-compassion led participants to take more rather than less responsibility for their actions and increased their overall motivation.
Margo’s journey to befriending her critical mind
Margo missed an important deadline at work and began to mentally “beat herself up” about it. She believed the myth that beating herself up would motivate her to never let this happen again.
Her mind became completely occupied by these thoughts. The soundtrack of her critical mind went from specific thoughts about her performance on one task, to her overall work performance and even to her overall views of herself. Her boss was visibly upset and became critical of Margo as well. Occupied by these thoughts, she became even less productive at work, stopped socializing with her colleagues, and came close to missing another deadline.
Recognizing what was happening, she tried a different approach. Margo practiced mindfulness to become aware of her critical thoughts in the moment. She noticed that work feedback nurtured her critical mind and turned the volume up on her self-critical soundtrack. Her tendency was usually to try to eliminate her thoughts, but she instead thanked her critical mind for reminding her that work was something that was important to her. She then acknowledged that many employees in the world have missed deadlines before and assured her critical thoughts that her work performance was on her radar and she was taking care of it. She imagined what her friend would tell her about missing the task at work, and noticed that as she turned her self-compassion soundtrack up in her mind that she became more relaxed and was able to focus her attention on planning her next steps. She detailed her upcoming deadlines and created a timeline to achieve her goals.
Recognizing the impact of her work environment on her inner critic, and practicing self-compassion enabled Margo to turn the volume of her self-critical soundtrack down, and the volume of her self-compassionate soundtrack up. She was able to acknowledge the utility of her critical mind, refocus her efforts and regain her productivity at work.
Summary
Recognizing common misconceptions of self-compassion empowers us to take action. Everyone has a critical mind, and when the volume is properly tuned it can have utility in our life. Identifying when your critical mind soundtrack starts to play allows you to intentionally use self-compassion to adjust the volume of critical thoughts. Turning on the self-compassion soundtrack can better enable you to take action and reduce the negative impact of self-critique.