How to Set Realistic Goals That Stick | A Psychologist’s Guide

Why Willpower Isn’t the Whole Story

Most self-help narratives are centered around grit, discipline, or internal strength. While those things matter, they aren’t the full picture. Willpower is real—but it’s a limited resource and when stress, illness, or fatigue is on board, it depletes QUICK. That’s why many well-intentioned goals collapse under pressure—not because you’re unmotivated, but because life is complex and change is really hard. 

Understanding Readiness to Change

In health psychology, we use a model called the Stages of Change to understand where someone is in the process of making a shift. The stages include:

• Precontemplation – I’m not even thinking about change yet. Maybe someone else has suggested it and you are defensive and not ready to go there.
  
  
• Contemplation – I’m thinking about it, but not ready.
  
  
• Preparation – I’m getting ready to act. Setting my intentions, maybe letting others in on my goals.
  
  
• Action – I’m actively making the change.
  
  
• Maintenance – I’m working to keep it going.
  
  
• Relapse/Looping – “I paused or returned to old patterns (and that’s part of the process).”

Believe it or not, most people come to my office in the contemplation stage (or even pre-contemplation but they are usually pushed by someone in their circle).   

Knowing your stage can help you move with purpose and adequately prepare for what's ahead. For example, if you're in contemplation, your “goal” might simply be to create a pro/con list and continue to explore your ambivalence—not to dive headfirst into action.

This is where therapy becomes a valuable space: not to push you forward, but to help you understand where you’re at and what’s a realistic step forward.  People often are so excited to make change and while I love the enthusiasm, i often have to help someone tone down expectations and set up for success. 

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What sets a goal up for success?

Goals shouldn’t be made in a vacuum. They have to consider your context and life circumstances. They should consider your health, responsibilities, mental load, and capacity. Some hallmarks of goals that are set up for success are :

• They’re specific, but not rigid.
  
  Instead of “I’ll exercise more,” try “I’ll take a 10-minute walk after lunch 2x this week.”
  
  
• They align with your values, not just expectations.
  
  Ask yourself: What’s my “why” for doing this?  How will this improve my life?
  
  
• They’re flexible.
  
  If life throws you a curveball, you’re not “failing”—you’re adapting. 
  
  
• They meet progress with compassion
  
  That might mean talking it through with a therapist, a partner, or just checking in with yourself honestly and compassionately
  
  

Don’t downplay the power of insight- sometimes the most helpful goal is just to find out more about what’s happening in your life. 

• “I’ll name that I feel stuck—and that’s okay.”\
• “I’ll track what’s draining my energy this week.”
•  “I’ll schedule a therapy consult and see how that feels.”

Therapy as a Bridge Between Intention and Action

Many people believe they have to be “ready” before starting therapy or setting meaningful goals. But readiness can be built. Therapy isn’t just a place for action—it’s a space for exploring stuckness, resistance, fear, and hope.

If you’re someone who’s juggling health challenges, burnout, or uncertainty, your nervous system might not want a big leap. It might want stability. Safety or a slower pat

Change doesn’t happen because we decide it should. It happens when the change is possible, supported, and aligned with our reality.

So if your goals haven’t stuck, you’re not broken. It might just be time to try a new approach—one that honors where you are, not just where you want to be. If you're curious about what that could look like, therapy can be a place to start exploring.

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